Hope

9 times out of 10 I find myself in a whirlwind of thought. I'm so entangled in my own brain it's hard to fight through the mess to see what's real, and what's pure thinking. I get upset with myself because I can never do good enough. Nothing I ever do is sufficient. I constantly need to do more and more.  I'm worthless, bad, and most importantly, unlovable. Why should someone love me? Why WOULD someone love me? I can't fathom it. It's such a silly waste of time. Not only that, it also isn't possible. A person may say they love me, but little do they know, I'm not worth it.

There are so many other people and things people could invest energy and time into..why choose me? What have I ever done? Nothing. I'm a selfish, ugly, cold-hearted, stiff necked human being. I would be better off alone, by myself, where I could just torture my own soul, and save others the trouble of having to deal with me and my existence. What is my purpose anyway? I hate myself.


For many years of my life, I have felt this way. I have hated myself, and as time went on, the rock in my heart grew. I became disconnected with my body and heart, and only focused on what was in my head. If someone ever said something nice to me, I could not accept it. The little rock in my heart was there, and I couldn't believe what was being said. I just smiled and said thank you, while that little rock jabbed me a few times until I shrugged off the compliment.

I tried overcoming this all by myself, because I didn't want to ask for help.. But one day, I had a strong feeling to start meeting with a psychologist? counselor? psychiatrist? My bishop recommended her to me, and I started going to her. I told her about my childhood, and how unhappy it really was. I told her of being left home alone since a very young age, the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse that occurred. She said we could do a treatment that would help me process the bad memories into good ones, replacing the bad feelings with new, good ones. I was feeling pretty hopeless at the time, and I didn't believe her. But I was willing to try anything. I wanted to get better.

So, here I am. Processing my old memories; the ones that you can feel, smell, and even taste. Those ones that you think back to, and it's like a stuck point in time. You're there again, and you can't get rid of it. It's like a wine stain on white carpet, it's not coming out.

Well, this treatment helps with that. It's the scrub brush, the soap, and the hard-working hands, scrubbing away at that stain. And you know what? After a long, hard life of not believing I was a good person and that I was truly loved, I was finally able to look someone in the eye and say,"I am good enough. I am a good person," and believe it. I imagined a version of myself in my head, locked up, finally getting the strength to stand up and scream,"I AM GOOD ENOUGH!" And I really did believe it. I felt it. I knew it. It was an amazing moment. One I will truly never forget. My heart was warm, my mind clear. I knew, for sure, it was true.

I hope that if anyone reading this has ever felt anything like what I have felt, PLEASE reach out and ask for help. You are not meant to go through this life alone. And, might I add, you are loved more than you ever know! You are cared for. YOU ARE WORTH IT. And I know that to be true. It is HARD to reach out, and some of you may be angry when you do it, but please, just do it. We learn when we do hard things. And we all have hard things. Together, we can make it. Together, we can overcome this.

Thank-you

I began writing this a while ago, and I finally finished it.....

Well, yesterday being Mother's Day really made me want to write my first post. I have been thinking about this for a long while now so here I go.

I was at dinner with my fiance's family last night, when his sweet grandmother was trying to make conversation with me.
She politely asked,"Oh, Indy, did you see your mother today?" expecting me to say something like,"Oh yes, it was so lovely. I love my mother. She influenced my life so much and was always there for me. I know she loves me too."

I replied with a simple,"No."

There was an awkward silence I found hilarious, and no one really knew what to say. I laughed to myself and quickly tried to change the subject so grandma wouldn't feel as though she'd upset me at all, because she hadn't. I completely understand that most people's Mother's Day consists of lots of flowers, gifts, cards, and chocolates. They want to do something for their mom's who had sacrificed so much to raise them and love them no matter what they did. These mothers are such a huge influence on everyone and they deserve a day!

On the other hand, there are those whose mothers did NOT sacrifice so much for them. The moms who slept all day, worked all night, avoided their families, and regretted having children. The moms who resented and even envied their kids, those who made their children become adults when they should have been children!

I spent a lot of my life wondering if my childhood was normal, and it wasn't. It isn't normal to make peanut butter and jelly for you and your brother when you are 3 years old, and then macaroni and cheese at 5. It isn't normal to be left home alone every day, you and your siblings watching each other. I know there are many who have had similar experiences and even worse ones. I am fully aware that I am not the only one who had to grow up in a broken home, with fighting parents and a disconnected mother.

But that does not mean that my feelings and thoughts are irrelevant. I am allowed to wonder and ask,"WHY. Why did this happen to me? I want a loving mother whom I can trust! I want my parents to be married and happy forever. I don't want to hate my mom. WHY COULDN'T I HAVE THAT HAPPY LIFE LIKE I WANT? Why was I given this?"

And I think I finally know, at least a little bit, why.

I now have a great, detailed example of what I DO NOT want to be as a parent. I want to have love in my home, I want to love my family! I have such great motivation behind me to do good and be a good mother. I know what happens to a person when they don't, because it happened to me. And that doesn't mean that I am broken forever and I am depressed, BUT I AM ALSO ABLE TO BE HEALED. Yup, I said it. I can be healed, through the Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. He suffered so that we never have to suffer alone. All the times we are sad, hurt, angry, miserable, sick..He knows how we feel because He already suffered those things for us, and because of that, we can be fixed and mended...we can be made whole.

The point of this post is to show that we are never alone, and that Jesus Christ is real, He lives! We all pass through problems, trials, mishaps, and sickness. but we can always learn from those experiences and find the good in our every day. I love my Father in Heaven and I love Jesus Christ.