Today I Wanted to be Dead

I automatically woke up at about 0500 hours, just like I have been every morning for the past few weeks. I forced myself to take a shower and ended up sitting on the bathtub floor while letting water run over my body. I was just hating everything about myself.

"Why can't I be so sick I lose all this extra weight I have?"

"I'll just be fat forever."

"Are all guys selfish assholes? Am I ready to be alone for the rest of my life?"

"Do I really want to get in another relationship and have to work on it? That gets tiring. I am not sure I want to."

"But I want that human interaction. I want someone to share experiences with."

"I don't even have a job. I'm a fucking loser."

Water ran on my head and down my body that was feeling heavy and sad. I thought about being dead and how much easier it might be if that was the case. I stared at my feet, feeling empty and hating everything about me.

I got out of the shower and looked at my phone. I had a notification from an app called "i am".

"I have a lot to offer the world."

I asked a couple friends for help and they both said things I didn't necessarily want to hear, but I needed to hear.

"I don't really know what you want to hear indago, it comes down to personal responsibility. I'd say you owe yourself more than being wreckless."

"I think you should replace those habits with something more healthy and try to pick up a new hobby or something. Write in your journal and listen to motivational videos. Exercise and keep your brain working and occupied with other things. It helps to think of the outcome. How are you going to feel afterwards? I'm not saying go run a mile. Go walk out to the mailbox. Or go down to the dollar store and walk and look around in the AC. Start small and then work your way up from there. I love you but you know I was raised on tough love. The only way YOU are going to feel better is if YOU do something about it." 

My friends are right. The only way my life will change is if I change it. I thought back to the app notification.

"I have a lot to offer the world."

Was it God? No. I wouldn't have the app if my friend hadn't told me about it. I downloaded it and I put it on my phone. Not some imaginary sky man. Me.
Who got myself up and in the shower? Me.
Who put on my makeup? I did.
Who had me get heels on and walked around a couple stores just to get out? Me.
Who lied on her floor and listened to a meditation? Me.
Who got up and started working on schoolwork that is due this weekend? Me.

It's all up to me.

"It's not living if it's not with you."

Why is it drilled into our heads that we need to find "the one" in order to be happy?

About 3 weeks ago, I decided I was going to get a divorce. A lot of thought, pros and cons lists , tears, and discussions have gone into this decision and I can say that it is the best decision for me. I realized I lost myself, not only in my marriage but in my life. I don't know who I am anymore, or if I ever knew. I was like the giving tree, who gave every bit of herself to someone who did not give back. Finding myself a stump in the ground, I knew things needed to change.

Today I have been feeling bad for myself. "Boo hoo I got fired from my job. Waa I am getting a divorce. Meeh I got COVID. School is hard booo. " (Yes. All of these things have happened or are happening right now.) I realized I just want to feel wanted, but that I don't even want myself. I got frustrated because...WHY don't we teach each other how to want ourselves? Why are movies and TV shows filled with people who are fixed by someone else? Why are women STILL expected to take care of everything in the home i.e. cleaning, schedules, bills, children, etc. I still see stories of women "saving" men when that is never the case. Real change occurs within oneself, and has nothing to do with other people who might be around.

The title of this post is a song title by The 1975. I listened to it and began to feel annoyed because, why can't I learn to live life with myself? Most songs are about finding the right person out there, but really, I wish I had been taught how to better love Indago. I think she deserves more love and care than she likes to think, and the best person for it to come from is herself. One of the hardest things I have ever done is to learn how to love myself. For some reason, I am willing to say things to and about myself that I would never EVER say about my friends or family members. Why is this? I still don't know. I think some of it has to do with always being taught to look at other people and worry about them. Always try to help someone else and disregard your needs because they will come. Really, I need to take care of myself FIRST. Then, I can try to help other people. I matter. I deserve my love. And I am determined to make me see that.