"It's not living if it's not with you."

Why is it drilled into our heads that we need to find "the one" in order to be happy?

About 3 weeks ago, I decided I was going to get a divorce. A lot of thought, pros and cons lists , tears, and discussions have gone into this decision and I can say that it is the best decision for me. I realized I lost myself, not only in my marriage but in my life. I don't know who I am anymore, or if I ever knew. I was like the giving tree, who gave every bit of herself to someone who did not give back. Finding myself a stump in the ground, I knew things needed to change.

Today I have been feeling bad for myself. "Boo hoo I got fired from my job. Waa I am getting a divorce. Meeh I got COVID. School is hard booo. " (Yes. All of these things have happened or are happening right now.) I realized I just want to feel wanted, but that I don't even want myself. I got frustrated because...WHY don't we teach each other how to want ourselves? Why are movies and TV shows filled with people who are fixed by someone else? Why are women STILL expected to take care of everything in the home i.e. cleaning, schedules, bills, children, etc. I still see stories of women "saving" men when that is never the case. Real change occurs within oneself, and has nothing to do with other people who might be around.

The title of this post is a song title by The 1975. I listened to it and began to feel annoyed because, why can't I learn to live life with myself? Most songs are about finding the right person out there, but really, I wish I had been taught how to better love Indago. I think she deserves more love and care than she likes to think, and the best person for it to come from is herself. One of the hardest things I have ever done is to learn how to love myself. For some reason, I am willing to say things to and about myself that I would never EVER say about my friends or family members. Why is this? I still don't know. I think some of it has to do with always being taught to look at other people and worry about them. Always try to help someone else and disregard your needs because they will come. Really, I need to take care of myself FIRST. Then, I can try to help other people. I matter. I deserve my love. And I am determined to make me see that.